I was raised as a strong Protestant Christian, born in Ohio, raised and educated in Texas and was a successful marketing entrepreneur and preacher of Christianity.
My ethnic background is English-Native American, Irish and German. I was what they called a "WASP" (white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant). My family moved to Texas in 1949 while I was still in grade school, so my accent changed from "Yankee" to "Texan" real quick. We learned how to say "Ya'll" instead of "youse guys" and "Howz ever thaang?" instead of "Waz up?" We also learned how to eat "Corn bread 'n bains" instead of "Johnny cakes and beans."
I grew up in a very religious home. My parents and their relatives were all 'good Christians.' Basically that means that you never drink alcohol, except on very special occasions and never gamble expect Bingo at the church. Religion was a real part of my life. I believed very much in God and the Bible as His Word. While other children were playing 'school' and 'cops and robbers' I would sometimes play the 'Preacher.' I can still remember my first sermon, standing on the ground in Doug Hidemen's backyard: "We must learn the Way of God! And then stay on that Way." (That's all I said. I couldn't think of anything else)
My whole family on both my mother's and father's sides were very active members of the same denomination of Protestant Christianity. We all loved to go to church on Sunday mornings for Sunday school and sermon (well maybe we didn't all love the long sermons). Then of course, special activities and holidays such as Easter, Christmas, Halloween and parties were always a part of our lives in my early years. Our church was originally called only "Christian Church." It wasn't until I turned 10 or 12 years old that the church 'split' into two different groups that we started calling ourselves "Disciples of Christ."
My father was an ordained minister and also very active in church work, as a Sunday school minister and fund raiser for Christian schools. He was the 'expert' in the Bible and its translations. It was through my father that I came to know about the various versions, translations and editions of the Bible as well as the introduction of pagan worship to Christianity about the time of the Emperor Constantine (325 C.E.). He, like many preachers would answer the question: "Did God actually write the Bible?" by saying: "The Bible is the Inspired Word of Man FROM GOD." Basically, it means that humans (inspired humans, but humans just the same) wrote the Bible. That quickly explains the errors, mistakes, deletions and additions which have crept in and fell out over the years. He would add: "But it is still the Word of God, as inspired to man."
God was always on my mind. I was 'baptized' into the 'Spirit' at age 12 and surprised even the minister (an ex-Jew who accepted Jesus) by my seriousness and intent on being a 'full real follower of Christ." I would think about Him and what He wanted us to do and why He created us in the first place, very often. Many times I would be caught 'day dreaming' about God when I was supposed to be paying attention to other things, like watching the pots boil over on the stove or not listen to the teachers at school. Sometimes I would rest my head on my arms on the top of my desk and try to imagine: "What will happen when we die?" and "What will Heaven be like?" or "Can we ever see God's angels or the devil?"
My mind was frequently preoccupied with these types of thoughts as a child. But then as with most youth, I became distracted from my pursuit and began to be influenced by my peers. Other children would make fun of me if I talked about these questions and thoughts, so it seemed like a good idea to keep it to myself. No problem. I like to be alone with my thoughts of God anyway.
After growing up and owning many business, I realized that I did not want to be a 'preacher.' I was too afraid that I might be a hypocrite or call people to something that I myself didn't truly understand. After all, I had 'accepted the Lord' and considered myself a true Christian, but at the same time I could not resolve the idea of God being One and at the same time He is 'Three.' And if He is the 'Father', how could He also be the 'Son?' And then what about the 'Holy Ghost?' (later they changed that to 'Spirit'). But my big question was always the same: "How does three equal one?"
Over the years I had tried to 'find' God in many different ways. I checked out Buddhism, Hinduism, metaphysics, Taoism, different forms of Christianity and Judaism. The one most attractive to me was a combination of Gnosticism (Christian mysticism) and Cabbalism (Jewish mysticism) and metaphysics. This actually is a form of pantheism (God being throughout His creation) and is similar to some of the 'Sufi' mystics of today. But this concept in its entirety repulsed me because I did not want to imagine myself as being a 'part of God.'
God is Pure! God is Perfect! God is All Knowing and All Aware of all things! So, how can I come along and say things like I was hearing from the other preachers: "In a way, we are all gods..." Read the Bible: "You are gods, sons of the Most High, all of you; nevertheless, you shall die like men, and fall like any prince." (quoted from the Old Testament; Psalms [82:6]) & "I said, you are gods.." (New Testament John 10:34)
The rationalization which comes about in the books attributed to the Apostle Saul (changed his name to Paul), are full of statements which basically cancel the Torah or Law of the Old Testament. He makes it a matter of how you 'understand' something that makes it 'permissible' or 'forbidden.' As an example in the English Revised Standard Version which I have carried with me since 1953, it says in Paul's letter to the Romans: "I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself; but it is unclean for any one who thinks it unclean." [Rom 14:14] And again, in the same letter: "So do not let what is good to you be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of God does not mean food and drink but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." [Rom 14:16]
By these types of statements, Paul pretty much destroys the entire Old Testament Commandments. Yet at the same time, in the same English version of the Bible in the first book of the New Testament, we are told that Jesus preached a message which was exactly the opposite of St. Paul: "Think not that I have come to abolish the law and the prophets; I have come not to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly, I say to you, till heaven and earth shall pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the law until all is accomplished. Whoever then relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches men so, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but he who does them and teaches them shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." [Mt. 5:17-20]
So according the St. Paul's own testimony in his letter to the new Roman Christians, he is relaxing not just the least of these commandments, but basically all of these commandments. And he justifies everything with his rationalization that if you don't think it's bad, then it's not!I just felt that something was wrong in this message and decided to try to uphold the Commandments according to the Old Testament as much as I could. That would mean: No Pork; circumcision; no sex outside of marriage; no adultery; worship on Saturday (not Sunday) and most important of all: No worship of anything which is in the creation. This is in direct line with the verse which says: "You shall have no other gods before (besides) me. You shall not make yourself a graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands who love me and keep my commandments." [Ex 20:3-6]
It seemed reasonable to me, that there should only be One God. He should be All in Charge and without any partners. Reason also would demand that only He should be given any worship because He Alone deserves it. And as God, He should be the One to set the rules and give the orders. Then it would be clear who really loved Him and who was following His Commandments.
I had tried not to deal with these issues for many years. But now I was getting close to fifty years old and needed to do something for the Lord. After all, had done everything for me. So, it was time for me to get serious about my religion and make some head way for the Lord. I decided to join in with some of my friends who were evangelists and preachers who preached in various parts of the country and even in Mexico. We traveled together and praised the Lord together and shared in 'the spirit' and went where the 'spirit lead us.' One of them use to carry a huge cross on his shoulders and drag it down the highway and give out little 'mini-Bibles' to those who cared to stop and visit. It was enjoyable to go to those who had given up hope or had no money or jobs and give them food, money, assistance and at the same time call them to the message of Christianity. I took my Bible everywhere and was very fast to whip it out and begin to 'preach the message.' I was 'born again.' I needed to 'be in the light of Christ.' I needed to share the 'message.' There was only one problem:
"What is the message?"Oh sure, I know what some of the 'born agains' are saying as they read this: "The message of salvation of Jesus Christ!" - "He died for your sins!" - "He paid the price of redemption." - "He is the Risen Son of God!" - "Jesus is LORD!" Right.
I got that. I preached that message myself and thought I understood it as well as anyone else did. The problem is that one time I heard another preacher say: "Don't leave your brain in the parking lot with your car." Then it hit me to start thinking about the very serious problems and real facts about my religion:
My friend with the huge cross became tired of trying to answer all of my questions and in desperation one day, he told me to read the story of Abraham in Genesis in the Old Testament. Especially the part of sacrificing his son for the sake of God. He seemed to feel that this was going to explain the whole concept of sacrifice and obedience to God.
I read it. But instead of convincing me that this was the meaning of punishing the good so the bad do not have to suffer, I saw a totally different message here. Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son on the alter for the sake of Almighty God, if that was what God wanted from him. But God did not really want to take the life of an innocent boy for sins that Abraham committed. That was not even the story here. And as far as replacing his son with the ram for sacrifice, this also does not match the story of Jesus on the cross.
Stop. Think. Abraham was asked by God to sacrifice his son to test the loyalty of Abraham. He did not withhold his son from God, so God's angels ordered him to offer a ram in place of his son. God was pleased with his total submission and as a result, God Blessed him and his offspring. [Gen. 22:9-18] Now think about the New Testament story of 'salvation.' Jesus asked God NOT to put him through this ordeal. "Father, if thou art willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but Yours, be done." [Luke 22:42] Notice in the next verse, an angel from heaven also appears to Jesus to "strengthen him." Abraham's angel comes to offer a ram as a sacrifice instead of the son. The next verse [22:44] Jesus is in AGONY as he prays "more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down upon the ground." Then I looked to the account of the story in the Book of Mark [14:32-39]. Jesus goes to the garden of Gethsemane and his soul is "very sorrowful, even to death.." And "... going a little farther, he fell on the ground prayer that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him." Meaning that somehow when the time came for the event to take place he could escape it. This is NOT the submissive attitude of Abraham. Next I noticed in verse 36, Jesus says: "Abba, Father, all things are possible to thee; remove this cup from me; yet not what I will, but what thou wilt." And then he goes to his disciples and wakes them up and then returns to pray "... saying the same words."
This whole concept was so totally different than the one from Genesis talking about Abraham and his son.
I asked questions and delved into 'those kind of stories' the more I would like to facilitate the truth. Many strange things began to happen. Very strange. I met a Muslim. Then a few weeks later, I met a Catholic priest and between all of us, we felt sure that he could convert the Muslim
And later I prayed like this: "I am sending this prayer out to One True God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses and Jesus. If You are there guide me, make me Yours." And stuff like that. I specially used this kind of phrase naming these people for a good length of time.
During all this, I consciously chose faith in God. This was pure naked faith not really having reasons to believe, but choosing to do so anyway. I did this because the saints in the Catholic tradition said to do so. They would say that often God seems far away or non-existent-so keep faith! Trust God even though you don't see Him at all. So, that is what I did.
I remember one time with particular clarity. I was standing in the Hall between my living room and bedroom - it all really hit me: I had no reason to believe in God. None at all. But I remembered all I have read and said to myself: "I say 'yes' to God in spite of the fact I have no reason to believe in God. I choose to say 'yes' and have faith that it is all true."
I was not really practicing Catholicism. (The last time I began application to seminary it was because I was thinking where else could I go? It wasn't a perfect fit, but it would be the best fit.) When it came time to write my dissertation for the Ph. D. I had to include a section about a religious tradition that was not my own i.e. something other than Christianity. I chose Islam. Believe it or not, it was the one religious tradition I knew nothing about! This struck me as somewhat odd.
But I noticed that I did indeed have a prejudice against it. I felt somewhat repulsed by it, actually. (Stuff left over from the Crusades just "gets into" Euro-Americans, I think.) And plus it couldn't possibly be true -- how could there be revelation after "The Jesus Event"? It had to be just another guy who felt "Inspired by God" and really affected the people around him. No big deal.
It was difficult finding decent books on Islam. I had to get most by mail order. There was an Islamic Center here so I began to go there and learn some things. (I finally learned what happened to Cat Stevens! I had a bunch of his recordings but never knew why he disappeared from the scene.)
The people at the Islamic Center were very nice. Not really what I expected. No one tried to put slightest pressure on me to covert. It was nothing like being around born-again or evangelical Christians. Which was what I half expected. I mean aren't all Muslims supposed to be on the crazy-fanatical side? Well, they were not like that at all. They simply presented the information and answered my questions. No one called me or bothered anything or me like that. It was rather refreshing, I must say.
I repeat: there was nothing even resembling pressure to convert. Just a warm openness and a friendliness not often encountered in the States. One guy did try to get me say the words, but everyone else jumped on him immediately and told him to be quiet. (And of course, I would never make a ritual declaration like that unless I thought it was true.)
This went on for few years. I was reading a lot ABOUT Islam, but did not read the Qur'an. Slowly, my prejudices and repulsion faded away as I learned the true stories about Muhammad (God love him!), as well as Muslim history, beliefs and theology. Then I stopped for a few years, as I wasn't going to finish my dissertation. (It was resumed after I accepted Islam.)
A few years pass. I read things about Islam here and there. At the behest of a good friend, I read "The Autobiography of Malcolm X." After reading this I had a very strong urge to go and get and read the actual Qur'an. I called around to some bookstores and ran out and got the translation by Dawood (the one in the proper order).
I will never forget that day. Ever. I can still see it happening. Little did I know what I was in for that my life and total world-view would be changed-that I my-self would be changed. I read the whole thing through in one sitting. I don't think I even changed position.
Right from the start it grabbed me. The very beginning-called Al-Fatihah-is a prayer. I immediately liked it as a prayer. It was, in essence, what I already prayed. You are God the Creator. Guide me; make me into one of those You love. I certainly couldn't argue with those sentiments!
Then, in the beginning of the second chapter, it gave me the description of who this book is addressed to: people who believe in God, establish prayer, give in charity, believe messengers were sent to us, and that we will return to God! Well, that was me - that this book was not to be doubted - that it was truly and sincerely from God to these people - like me - precisely to guide them - which was what I had wanted for years. So right off, it was speaking directly to me as an individual. Right off, it wasn't just some ancient 1400-year-old text. It really grabbed me and did not, would not, let go.
As I read a thought began to form and then started going through my head over and over and over: "Oh my God! This is from God!" It was real. Not the "inspired writing" of the Bible. It was *direct revelation*-- it was really the Word of God. Literally. Oh my God! This really IS from God.
Well, needless to say, I was floored. I knew there was something very extraordinary here. Quite amazing. Something was happening. Imagine how bizarre it would be to really see an UFO. How unusual and fantastic something like that would be. Or what if someone just started to truly levitate and fly around right in front of you. Or what if you really truly see a miracle? Your view of the world would necessarily change after such a non-ordinary experience.
What was happening to me as I read the Qur'an was beyond that. Way beyond that.
So much of what I was reading in the Qur'an was stuff I was already thinking due to my academic studies in religion. The Qur'an not only confirmed things I was already thinking, but completed thoughts and ideas I was only vaguely aware of-like things "half-thinking" if that makes any sense-and then it also opened-up to me an entire new universe of meaning and possibility. Suddenly, it was as if I was standing in a whole new vista like the open plain of a whole new world stretched out before me. Quite stunning and amazing. There was nothing that gave me pause-I kept saying, "yes" to all that I read.
One thing pulled me up short and that was that Jesus did not die on the cross.
But by that time, the evidence was so overwhelming to my heart, my soul and mind that this Book was indeed EXACTLY what it claimed to be that I had no trouble accepting this as the truth from God Himself. And none of this is the slightest exaggeration whatsoever. I am not sugarcoating or embellishing my story to make it more attractive, or pious sounding, or dramatic, or whatever. I am telling the truth. I was especially struck by how contemporary the Qur'an is -- remember my background. Everything about it is just absolutely brilliant! I don't know why Muslims are afraid of contemporary philosophy, psychology, or textual criticism. There is nothing to fear. The Qur'an is very "today." Actually, it is very "tomorrow."
Two weeks later I declared in public that "I bear witness that there is no god but God (Allah) and I bear witness that Muhammad (peace be upon him) is a messenger of God." I was always able to say the first part of that. Note the two weeks wait. I was nervous. Was I really going to get involved with these people? This was not my cultural background, to say the least. White Americans do not become Muslim, do they? I remember standing in the masjid during this period watching them pray salat. Indeed, a news camera was on location, filming for a story, which was later shown on the local news. It showed everyone praying salat, except that one guy standing in the back-and in a bright red shirt no less. C'est moi! (That's me!)
I thought: "Who am I kidding? I really do think that Muhammad was a messenger from God." So, that was that. I would have been dishonest with myself if I did not declare what I now thought to be true, and I thus entered the Muslim Ummah. This was in Ramadhan in 1992 CE. (The first time I ever met a Muslim was in Turkey during Ramadhan when I was around 20 years old. -- I am almost 40 now.)
So, all these years of prayer for guidance were answered. For real. Even today, years after these events, I am still amazed by it all -- not only that I'm a Muslim (who would have ever thought that?) -- but all those prayers really were answered by means of my encounter with the Qur'an in the light of the Sunnah of Muhammad (peace be upon him).
Islam is truly the best and I say this coming from a background of formal study in religious issues. I am rarely at a loss for words, but I am when it comes to describing how I feel and think about Islam, the Qur'an, and the Sunnah of our beloved Rasoolulah Allah, may God love him greatly. It is simply astounding. Beautiful like a work of art. Dynamic and vibrant. Brilliant in how it all unfolded. Mature-no magic, no superstition. Excellent! What can be said but 'Alhamdu-lil-Llah-Glory to God in the Highest?" Nothing! Nothing else can be said! Alhamdulillah 'Lah!
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